French Engravings- Chapter One - Before the begining

It's been a while! And not because i didn't have things to write in fact lots has been happening. Happy things of course. Everytime I do something. Go somewhere, experience a new thing, I want to write about it. Maybe just because I want to freeze the moment. Moments rather. Or maybe just like all the pictures I keep taking all the time, I want to write about it. Besides haven't been able to capture thoughts in the pictures. I can just ramble, can't I?

Was thinking maybe I'll title the post French Impressions. But then it would have to be a super long post. Maybe I'll put it into parts. But French Impressions sounds too common. So settled on French Engravings. It has to be something deep doesn't it? Impressions are made on a surface, to engrave you need to change the surface.

Before coming to France, what did I think of the French? I hadn't met that many French people. And even those that I had met hadn't really interacted deeply with them. With the exception of David. And even he not really enough to form an impression of all French people. Oh yes I heard a lot. and like everyone forms their stereotypes I'd heard about the romance, the smooth talkers, the high fashion. I'd begun looking at non- Goans in Goa in a differnt light. Imagining that is how I would be in a different land. Would they call us 'Bloody Indians'?

And then they are a cold race. And my eternal worry of being a misfit. Of course that couldn't be helped- brown skinned, Indian, with very faulty language skills. Now think as much I can't really remember what my pre-France, French imaginings were. Of course the Eiffel tower. But then I knew I wouldn't be near Paris. The mountains- and all that loomed in my head were the far off mountains I saw in Kathmandu and Pokharan. The snow covered, sun bathed mountains.

People... about people... well I didn't really form an opinion. Luckily I had been in conversation with my landlady (to- be then) quite a bit through e-mail. She seemed extremely nice and I doubted even then that I would have problems with her. I was afraid of the teachers though. The ones with whom I would have to work. Mainly for the reason that I had absolutely no idea what was required of me. But I guess I was most apprehensive of the students. I had been a teacher for 2 and 1/2 years by then and I knew standing in front of a class of students was no easy feat. At least not for me! And French students! What should I expect?

And then I landed here. Well, yes impressions were begining to be formed right from Paris. At Gare de Lyon actually.

And then last Sunday I decided to go for a walk, since it was a rare sunlit day. Sunlight bouncing off every surface playing hide and seek with the shadows dispelling the seemingly endless cold. I walked, feeling happy i had stepped out. A million thoughts running through my head. I wanted to go to the quay, but as I neared the city there seemed to be a traffic jam. No problem for me, I was walking! But then I realised that there were cops diverting the traffic because there was a Sunday market. It's this market where they sell mostly second hand things- clothes, jewelery, books, all sorts of things. Even if you don't want to buy it's interesting to just look at all the stuff you can get there. I didn't have much money with me so just browsed throw, until I came to a book stall. I fell for them as usual. Bought two books, of course they weren't new, so they were really cheap. That's one of the things that's so great about these markets. Continued walking, thinking I won't buy anything more. Saw a really cool sword. Some nice colorful jewellery, glass beads with the sun streamin throgh them making pretty patterns. There was this carved furniture there, and some some delicate looking China here. i stayed away from this last coz i didn't know with me around what would drop and break. I'm not clumsy or careless, let me tell you, it's just that I get so taken if I am admiring something that I tend to forget to pay attention. Just that!

And then another book stall! No harm in just looking right? So looked at the books. So many i wanted to take. And then suddenly the stall owner picks up a thick biography of Garbo and hands it to me, 'C'est pou toi! Un cadeau!' (for my non- french understanding friends this means 'This is for you! A gift!')I was speechless. I thought now I must buy something from the guy. So looked hard, trying to make a choice. And then finally decided on one. I asked him how much he said that i could take whatever I wanted it was all a gift! I must have looked idiotic with that expression on my face. He laughed and kept saying, "C'est un cadeau!" I grabbed another book. Wanted to take so many, but.... the only 20kgs that are allowed on flight....damn! So I walked off with 3 free books. Happy as ever. I think i was smiling away to glory. Walked till the end of the market. It was too late to go to the quay. Anyways my bag was heavy with 5 books in it now. Let's go home.

My mind keeps going back to that moment when I picked up the third book, maybe I should have picked up more books! Yet i am so glad I got the ones I did. Books are something that i wanted to buy here. I will definately buy some more before I go. But... maybe I should have picked up the whole basket of books when he offered them to me. But 20kgs....

Was watching 'Finding Neverland'. Took a break coz i wanted to write. The movie, all the role play and make belief reminded me of my days when I was a child. We had this neighbour, we called her Nani Sophie, she was quite an elderly lady whom my grandmother used to call 'Auntie'. We wold go to her house to play and she would play with us, thinking up games and little plays. I remember once she made warrior suits for us out of jackfruit leaves. The whole outfit, with crowns and swords and all. I can't remember exactly how the play went, but I remember we waited like that in those outfits till my parents came home in the evening so that we could show them the costumes and how we looked in them. Then of course we played cooking cooking. Guess after playing cooking cooking so much i might have been quite a cook now, but no! Yet come to think of it even now if I do prepare something I try to make believ a scene where i am cooing for someone and have these conversations with myself. Funny me.

But then Finding Neverland made me think of the place where we all escape to when we are on our own. In the movie Parzania this little boy Parzan makes up his own little land Parzania. It's something like Thomas Moore's Utophia I guess. The perfect place, our dream land. J. M. Barrie says that little boys should not be made to sleep, because they wake up one day older. He is afriaid that Peter is trying to grow- up faster than he can. We all did that as kids, didn't we? We all wore Momi's outfits and shoes, pretended to be teachers or some shop- keeper, or doctor or some grown- up. Never realising that when we got to the stage when we would be working hard (or hardly) we would be yearning for those days of innocence, wishing we could be 10 years old again and never having bigger problems than escaping a pasting from Momi or a yelling at from Granny.

But then we all have that child in us. I never want that part of me to grow. When I see a child I want to see through her eyes. Like The Little Prince. He sees everything so clearly. The adult world looks so absurd. Working for things that don't matter, trying to drown out the sorrows that we create for ourself. Forgetting to have fun on the way, just coz we are always thinking what other people will say about us. That's one thing I like about being in France when i'm with my friends I can react to things however I want to. Don't care even if they call us 'bloody Indians' coz I know that I'll never meet them again.

Sometimes when am happy I actually skip and walk along coz i don't care if people think i'm crazy as long as i'm happy.

Lots of people speak about discovering the child in you. So i won't say all that. But then there are times when instead of dreaming about the past and yearning for the long lost days I guess all we should do is enjoy something, anything even if it is something we see or do everyday, enjoy it just for the sake of it in the simplest possible way. Sometimes I think being childlike is just being yourself and not taking things for granted. Being curious and apriciating things! And trying to be happy without asking for too much coz happiness is like jam, you can't spread it without getting a little onto yourself!

I feel like Johnny Depp in 'The Secret Window', he writes a line and then keeps staring at it and says 'bad writing, bad writing!' At least I have the consolation that i will not have to publish my stuff.

It's a rainy day. Been raining since last night. No, actually it's been dull and grey since Monday or was it Sunday? But then I say to myself that at least this is not cold rain that chills you to the bone. Hopefully sunny days are just around the corner. Brightens up things a bit. Can i not find a topic to write about? Anything happy that happened to me. My landlady's in the next room with her sister. There's a child with them- the sister's son. He must be about 2 and a half. A cute little fellow who keeps talking even if no one is listening to him. And he calls out to his mother all the time, 'Maman, Maman!' it doesn't even sound like that actually but a funny way. A really cute way. I have to go to school in a while. And still this dearth of writing topics. Why can i not think of something nice to write about. What day is it today?Thursday, 55 days for me to go home. It's always like that, when we begin a countdown time seems to pass by slower. And then we decide to enjoy things and like as if from nowhere there is a leak and time drains out. Stop!