My first post for this year. I should mak it worth the while right? But i can't say that much has changed since december 2008 to January 2009. You can't expect someone to change overnight- that too 31st December night. I don't really want to speculate about the last year. Of course it has been a happening year. Happening is an understatement. And now i sit here, surrounded with bits and pieces of the stuff i've been doing and even plans for what i'm going to do. As usual things pending and yelling for attention. but am i ignoring it? Or maybe just the usual procrastinating Alison. Is that my strongest quality? Oh no, please no! Yet that seems to define me more than anything else. Even writing. I seem to push away the very thing that gave me most pleasure. And now all of a sudden an urge to write. And it turns out to be another bit of nonsense. Am i really not thinking in a straight line? Why not? Is it coz of the songs i heard? The scenes i watched? Why are you doing this to yourself? But then it's the heart that is to be blamed. No, am not feeling low, in fact the sun is out and shinning brightly over the glistening snow. what the hell am i doing indoors? I should have stepped out and taken a walk. But i'll do that later anyways. The heart. How do i know what it is saying is true? Sometimes you speak so softly that i just can't hear. Or even if i hear i think maybe i miss understood. Is it that what you want me to do? what is it you want to do Alison? And then that ridiculously eternal battle of the heart and mind. Logic and emotion. Reason and impulse. But then aren't adults supposed to be more reasonable? Longing for things. Yet looking forward and expecting. longing and expectations. Enemies of mine. why do things just not seem to work sometimes? Not asking for too much. Don't expect to get much. Heart, can you tell me what i want to do? She opens her eyes and sees the sun dancing. It gets warm doesn't it. But then some greedy thought hopes for a warmer place. Why why why, do we expect people to make us happy? Hoping that maybe, at least, or just somehow it will happen. But then i told you didn't i. it is not to be. But how can it be? What's the meaning of hope then? Yet, Heart says, that is what is to heal. And somehow in each moment, however much the battle rages, there is always that space which spells out the only thing i'm ever looking for. Somehow i know it will never go away. And no matter what in the war the only thing that triumphs is the heart. Even if it is sad, it always does what is right.